“Holy shit, she smells like heaven. Been best friends since we were eleven. Oh my god I like her. Yeah, I heard you like her. Baby, I thought that we had something. Compared to him I’m next to nothing. Oh my god I like her. Yeah, I heard you like her.”—Uneasy Hearts Weigh The Most, Dance Gavin Dance. (via getmoneygetpaid)
I feel like I don’t really have to write anything after my title… it’s pretty self-explanitory. But, I’m going to vent on here a “little.”
I have had two panic-attacks in the last two weeks. I haven’t had a serious one since I was 12. I remember the time I went to the hospital for one. It was so bad, and it makes me so sad to think about all the things that were hurting me inside that led up to that moment. It’s almost just as worse now knowing that I am such a wreck that I can’t even pin-point a reason why I’ve had these last 2.
I’ve lost two of my best friends, and it doesn’t really hurt that I lost them. They don’t deserve to have me as a friend anyway. It’s just the point that I have nothing to do. I’m always alone. Being alone is the absolute worst. I have so many different things running through my mind, I feel like a mental patient. Depression? I don’t want to be depressed. I feel like for kids my age, it’s such a cliche thing to be sad and hating the world and thinking they’re depressed. But… it does happen in real life. It may be a possibility for me. I’ve been through enough shit, let me tell you that.
To all the people who I thought were my friends- you’re one-sided, compulsive lying, conforming jerks. I don’t stop being friends with someone for no reason. There’s my reason.
To you, since you still read this. You know who you are. Your subliminal messages to me could only last for so long. I told you over and over AND OVER I only wanted to be friends. I apologized to you countless times and you would act like everything was okay, then you would go run your mouth via social networking. Give it up. You apologized and the only reason you gave me for what you had to say was that you were “mad.” I’m mad at a lot of things, a lot of people, but I’m never fake with what I’m feeling. You may think you’re mature for your age. In some ways, yes, I agree. But when it comes to getting hurt, you take everything the wrong way. I will state, only this last time, I am sorry for letting you down. That’s it. Now, you went back again and put another little comment on twitter. Then you commented my picture later that day, and tried to ask me how I was. And you try to be all buddy-buddy with him when you know damn well your anger on twitter, and comments such as “gremlin babies” (LOL) is directed towards BOTH OF US. I don’t want to talk to you. I wanted to be friends, but you just about ruined it.
Wow, I really wanted to let that out ^.
Now, I am so tired of being lonely. I deserve something good, something I have no doubts about. Of course it’s only human of me to get so upset and so impatient during the waiting process, but I do believe in the end it will be worth the wait. And that dream man of mine will one day be mine.
Gianna, Wayne, and Dad: it does not help that I miss you guys so much. I do not regret moving out. I love my mom, she makes me SO happy, but life without you guys everyday doesn’t seem right. Another notch on the “Things That Make Me Lonely” list. Sometimes I even miss Trish. The time we did get to spend together, to do girly things always ended up being fun. Don’t think because I said my mom makes me happy means you guys didn’t. You did, you do. I knew I always had a hug to come home to. I hate it when I see Wayne Jr. in the grocery store and he sticks his nose up at me, no eye-contact what-so-ever, and just goes about his way. That’s not my little brother. He doesn’t treat me like that. I miss you Wayne, and I love you. I may not have been the best sister, but I’ve always loved you with all my heart. It kills me so badly when I see you and you do that. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do Sunday when I show up at your birthday party…
To the two girls who like to refer to me as “slut” and “whore,” you won’t break me. I know who I am, I know what I do, I know what I stand for. I know I am NOT a slut, I am NOT a whore and maybe you should get your damn facts straight. You both really have a lot of nerve. You are no one important in this world, just as I am not. Your FALSE, made-up in your head, opinion of me does not and will never matter. No one even believes what you two have to say. Stay out of my life. I don’t want you there.
Now on a happier note, I cannot wait to see my princess Gianna on Sunday. Glimpse of sunshine coming my way…
I’m a little hesitant about writing this, because I know the person I write this to will probably be reading it…so here goes nothing.
I don’t know if it’s right or wrong that I caught some type of feeling for you. One of my previous posts stated I wasn’t going to jump the gun, or waste my time by saying I “like” you… I still don’t know if I like you. But there is something there for me. You’re such an asshole, but you take the time to talk to me every day. That means a lot. The only thing is, who knows what you’re doing while you’re talking to me. You could be out with a completely different girl. It doesn’t matter all that much in the long run to me though, because I don’t think you think about me like I think about you. I’m probably just someone to occupy your time. Is that pathetic? That I have no confidence in myself? I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s there for you. You’ve told me once that you wanted to see me since the time I saw you last. You show just about no interest at all.
Truth, I want to see you all the time.
You make me laugh, you’re the damn funniest. I talk about you and all the silly shit you say and do to my mom and friends so much I annoy myself. You’re unique, which is refreshing. Cutest eyelashes ever… I just wish I knew if you felt anything or nothing at all. You don’t let me in. We joke around, but you can never be taken seriously. I haven’t heard the best of things about you. That doesn’t stop me. I always have to find things out on my own, which isn’t necessarily a good trait of mine. But, for now, I can deal with us being friends because you make me smile. I like smiling. :)
"Why don’t you feel this naturally? Why aren’t you just drawn to me, like I’m drawn to you? I’m drawn to you.”